Twiiter Woods (Parody Account)

Because the world needs more Twitter parody accounts, always. And by gosh, a multi-bazillionaire with a beautiful ex-wife and kids, sponsors out the wazoo, and a sex addiction, well that’s too funny to pass up. And he’s got it all. Why not give him a little bit more of what he lacks. Laughter and humility. @twiiterwoods

Of course he is the greatest golfer of the 2000′s, maybe more. He loves women from all walks of life, mostly white women. He’s zen, he’s calm under pressure, and he admitted to sort of fking up. Sort of…

Glad to see he’s back on top of his game, and probably a lot more women, now that he can do them without having to pay off entire hotel staffs. He’s doing a lot of Hooters and Bone Daddy’s where ever he travels. And you know the hos love a man with money. I bet even they suggest the condom.

So here’s to you Tiger. May the jokes roll off the Twitterz and may you learn to love yourself even after all the damage you’ve done. We men don’t salute you any more, but DAMN dude, you fkd up good. And that’s always an amazing thing to watch.

Namasté and Gesundheit

The Twitter Joker.

+++

+++

+++

+++

+++

 

New TwitterJoker Badges (We’re Baaaaack!)

and the new That’s Fkn Funny Award badge.

“Social Media for Business is Crap” (That’s #$%!@in Funny)

It has the making of a great social media story. Except the author of the original discussion, now over two months old, did not preach what he practiced. Or that’s what it looks like if you read his LinkedIN bio where Kevin Conway says things like:

“Since that time I have created several successful e-commerce businessed (sic) employing cutting edge technologies including shopping carts, payment gateways, SEO, Web Analytics, Social Media marketing, email campaign programs and multiple online marketing strategies.”

And down a little further Kevin lists his specialties.

“Certifications: CNE, MCSE, CCNA, PMP, eMarketing Professional. Ebay Powerseller & Certified Ebay Instructor. Certified Google Advertising Professional, Founder of several e-commerce sites. Internet Marketing Strategy PPC paid search advertising, internet marketing online, Internet marketing Consultant, Internet Marketing Business, Internet Marketing Company,search engine optimization, google ranking, SEO Expert, SEO Consulting, landing page optimization, social media marketing expert”

But if you examine his motto closely you can see the cracks in his logic. Kevin says that he is the “President – Boston eMarketing Solutions – “Helping Organizations Grow by Exploiting their Online Assets.”

“Exploiting” I agree, that is probably his approach. But if you are “President” of an “eMarketing” group how can you then claim that Social Media is CRAP? How is that possible? Unless you are cruising to get some attention and business through a link bait campaign.

Well along about three days ago the post picked up some steam and as of this writing, the post has 1,491 comments on LinkedIN. And contains to some real zingers from both Kevin and other “experts” that swoop in participate in… (what’s it called again?) social media.

This is the comment from Kevin that really caught my eye. Here is Kevin’s response to why he does not put his professional links in his flaming hot posts. I hope you enjoy the discussion. (Unfortunately LinkedIN took down the discussion. It is available as a PDF by request.)

Isn’t it always the peeps who call themselves “experts” who attack others calling them “experts.” Kevin I have a news bulletin for you, credibility does not dissolve, credibility is built by years of being honest and clear in your actions and intentions.

 

1-7-10 Update and final comment on Kevin Conway’s CRAP thread on LinkedIN

While I agree with JulieJ’s sentiment, she is wrong on a couple of things. Kevin was hyping social media just as he is trying to create Link Bait with his headline. (for that he did a good job, if that was his intention.)

The top 10 list of Kevin’s Social Media Experiment Gone Bad

1. Kevin’s “business” is e-marketing. He even lists himself as an SEO “expert” and a Social Media “expert.” #KevinFail1
2. Now if you go to Kevin’s e-marketing website, he’s trying to make a blog out of this thread. Which came first the CRAP and failure of social media or the amazing power of social media and heated discussion to give Kevin the illusion that he is a thought leader in this space. #KevinFail3
3. And when intelligent people respond to the content of Kevin’s writing, both in his initial post, his follow ups and his fascinating blog, he resorts to calling them names, and “experts” and attacking them personally. #KevinFail3
4. Kevin’s vision of social media to “exploit the online assets” of his customers rings true to HIS vision of what this “social media” thing is. It’s not working for Kevin, thus, case studies to the contrary, “Social Media for Business is Crap.” #KevinFail4
5. The failure in Kevin’s repeated statements is “his experience shows that social media has NOT earned KEVIN a dime in conversions or customers.” But if you look at Kevin’s sites, I think you might get a better clue as to why he’s not doing so well in Social Media for Business. #KevinFail5
6. Exploiting is an accurate word for what Kevin is doing here. Baiting the discussion, pestering the people trying to have an intelligent decision and then trying to launch a Joe-the-Plumber-like blog based on the success of this “social media” discussion that won’t earn Kevin a dime unless he does something. #KevinFail6
7. As this discussion grinds on, well intentioned conversationalists, or “participants in social media on linkedIN,” come to this discussion to try and learn something about what people are arguing about. And time after time Kevin posts the same response… “his experience” … “his expertise” … “what he knows about” … and in the same screen he is advertising himself as someone who “exploits online assets.” BRILLIANT. #KevinFail7
8. People are pinging me “privately” asking what Kevin’s problem is. And when Kevin is asked publicly on the thread if he DELETED any comments, he adamantly denies having “the power” to make any changes to the conversation. But when I see a line in the thread that said — this post was deleted — I’m wondering if Kevin is being honest. Trust is the number 1 commodity in social media and doing business online. Trust DOES NOT equal “exploiting online assets.” That’s what Kevin is trying to do here. It’s not working. #KevinFail8
9. Expect Kevin to either ignore this post and pester other new arrivals. #KevinFail9.
10. Despite Kevin’s questionable “leadership” or “well thought out discussion points in his initial post,” this is merely a grandstand for Kevin to try and make some money off social media. FINALLY. I can hear (or imagine I hear) his $money$ mind working on the exploitation of this gold mine of… Well, what exactly is the gold mine, the opportunity, here? I believe it is honest and clear intentions and expression of ideas. #KevinFail10.

While I continue to enjoy seeing the emails of this thread pop up in my personal email box, I can no longer pay so much attention to Kevin’s rants. I was hoping to learn something from him. What I am learning is that people are the same all over. Those of us trying to engage and dialogue about business and social media are often overrun by those trying to squeeze (see “exploit”) a quick buck out of the hyped-opportunity of the moment. #BonusFail1.

I hope the discussion rages on. I hope Kevin “gets” 5,000 comments and launches his “CRAP” blog. (I can’t even imagine listing my intentional work as CRAP, but that’s not me.)

(The good news is Kevin’s biggest fan and recommending business partner, Robert Henslee, is awarding Kevin 1,000 bonus achiever awards for this very thread on LinkedIN. How the experts pat each other on the back without breaking their own arms is amazing.)

TWINDLE ™ – Finally! Twitter + Kindle = Twindle!

It’s Big! It’s Expensive! And it does ONLY ONE THING!

The absolutely revolutionary Twindle ™ from Twindle.me ™

Tactical Internet Pants are the Bomb – Geek Dad Pulls Up a Winner!

Geek Dad reviews Internet Tactical Pants. Wonderfully funny.

Probably pretty nice pants for sale to Police and Fire Fighters and us other wannabees!

Jackass Tribe Twitter Scamy Smiling White Guys – This Weeks Winner

April’s FOOLS are http://buildatribe.com/

Winner of the April 2009

Congrats boys. Take your “completely automated and …”

Clearly Mutt and his pal Jeff did not go much past high school, or they’da probably learned a bit more grammar or spelling or initial capitalization. Hell, these two are lucky to be walking and chewing gum at the same time.

Everything that makes the internet bad and Twitter dumb. Right here for your viewing.

@jmacofearth
permalink: http://bit.ly/twitter-scammers

CES Day One: Apple BUYS Twitter and Shows their Tablet Computer, the iSlate

(crossposted from uber.la)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Monday Jan. 4, 2010, Las Vegas
Following directly on the surprise release of the Apple iSlate on opening day at CES 2010 in Las Vegas, Apple and Twitter announced Apple’s purchase of Twitter for 2 billion dollars in cash and stock. Jobs says they will phase out all non-Mac OS apps and access to the popular microblogging service. “We liked Twitter from the beginning. And we think people will like it more on a Mac so in 2011 we will begin phasing out all access to machines running non-Apple OS services.”

When Microsoft spokesman at CES, Haywood J Blow, was asked about Apple’s daring move he said, “When the corporate customer starts asking for Twitter, we will buy or invent something like Twitter. Apple has not won this war yet.” Shares of MSFT, DELL, HP all fell sharply in after-hours trading.

Tweetdeck and Seesmic announced their immediate support of the move saying it would reduce their development costs and give the end-user a more mac-like experience. Google had no immediate comment but shareholders voted to up their purchase of Apple stock by 20% a year. And a new version of Mac-only Google WAVE was also rumored to be only a few months down the roadmap.

Asked for a comment, the creator or Tweetdeck Iain Dodsworth said, “I’m a Mac. And all of our developers are on Mac’s so why wouldn’t we be the first open Twitter client to close down other platforms? By the end of 2010, if Windows is still the dominant computing platform, I’ll start using Seesmic and Hootesuite. Seriously!”

Michael Dell was contacted via his iPhone after the announcement, but offered no comment. He did update his Twitter status with this “Oh, that’s funny. I think that guy’s been writing about Dell for over a year now, ever since he left.” Bill Gates‘ iPhone was forwarding calls to his Google Voice account.

@jmacofearth
permalink: http://bit.ly/apple-CES

Even before the announcement Apple’s new ad campaign was plastered across the CES walls today read, “Of course, tweeting is Better on a Mac.”

• Apple iSlate Released Before CES: Rumors Abound, Non-Apple Execs Faint
• Apple iPad – I Told You It Was Coming – The Apple Media iPad (updated)

Apple iSlate Released Before CES: Rumors Abound, Non-Apple Execs Faint

(crossposted from uber.la)

Countdown to the release of the iSlate from Apple is driving the fanboys and the media mad. In advance of CES which opens tomorrow…

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Monday Jan. 4, 2010, Las Vegas.
Apple sends 200 Geniuses onto the CES showroom floor with 200 spankin new Apple iSlates. The conference in Las Vegas is Rocked! Dell, HP, HTC, Acer all stunned into silence. MSFT stock drops. Major surprise, the iSlate is powered by AMD’s new mobile chipset!

HP”s Chairman, in his keynote address decries, “We’ll put out a tablet computer when the corporate world demands one. And besides, we’ve already got tablet computers. They’re just huge and ugly. But the margins on our tablet computers are great.”

(the above event is pure fantasy)

Just clicking the links about iSlates and other touch-screen tablet computer rumors is now cresting at about 20 tweets per hour in my small tweetstream. I thought I would capture some of the better ones I actually clicked on and tomorrow through Apples announcement next week, we can see who was close who was wack and what Steve Job’s new Moses act will bring.

Personally, the visualization on the left is my favorite concept. Ideas abound that Apple will put a camera on the screenside (like the laptops) to facilitate the Buck Rodgers visual/skype/phone usage. Regardless of what form the iSlate 1.0 takes, I know the world is waiting to see if Apple will turn computing on it’s ear for the 4th time. (1. mac; 2. ipod; 3. iphone) While the 1984 launching the Mac in ’84 were less than perfect, the battle against the establishment/big brother still continues. And with each innovation, Apple pierces the boring beige, Win-based, enterprise/established corporate computing model. So here we go again.

HTC testing out ‘touch tablets’ for Android and Chrome OS? enGadget

‘Tablets’ Aplenty Will Come Out at CES This Week – Businessweek
As the world awaits Apple’s touchscreen tablet, upstart Notion Ink is one of many competitors moving to top the smartphone at this weeks’s CES

The Tablet — DaringFireball
Another former Apple executive who was there at the time said the tablets kept getting shelved at Apple because Mr. Jobs, whose incisive critiques are often memorable, asked, in essence, what they were good for besides surfing the Web in the bathroom.

Gizmodo’s Guide to the iSlate (Gizmodo goes the final mile to compile the ultimate list)
The Apple tablet is almost here. We hear. Actually, we’re hearing a whole lot lately. With this exhaustive guide to every tablet rumor, we’ve got the clearest picture of the Apple tablet yet.

That’s it for now. I think the Gizmodo site will be your best bet for the end-all-reveal-all site. But I’ll keep spouting poetic with my own two cents.

@jmacofearth
permalink: http://bit.ly/islate-released

HOT OFF THE PRESSES:

Monday Jan. 4, 2010, Las Vegas.
Immediately following the surprise release of the Apple iSlate on opening day at CES 2010 in Las Vegas, Apple and Twitter announced Apple’s purchase of Twitter for 2 billion dollars in cash and stock. Jobs says they will phase out all non-Mac OS apps and access to the popular microblogging service. “We liked Twitter from the beginning. And we think people will like it more on a Mac so in 2011 we will begin phasing out all access to machines running non-Apple OS services.”

When Microsoft spokesman, Haywood J Blow, was asked about Apple’s daring move he said, “When the corporate customer starts asking for Twitter, we will buy or invent something like Twitter. Apple has not won this war yet.” Shares of MSFT, DELL, HP all fell sharply in after-hours trading.

Tweetdeck and Seismic announced their immediate support of the move saying it would reduce their development costs and give the end-user a more mac-like experience. Google had no immediate comment but shareholders voted to up their purchase of Apple stock by 20% a year. And a new version of Mac-only Google WAVE was also rumored to be only a few months down the roadmap.

@jmacofearth
permalink: bit.ly/islate-released

Woofer Makes Twitter Look Small and Insignificant

I can’t attest to the number of users or the validity of the Abe Lincoln woof, but I sure like the spirit of this place.

Woofer requires 1400 characters before you can bark.

And just seeing their awesome interface I understand and want to be a part of it. But do I dare give these “dogs” my Twitter ID?

Check out Woofer and tell’m the Twitter Joker sent ya.

@jmacofearth
permalink:

The Twitter Takedown Begins: Goodnight MyTwitterButler.com

The crocodile tears are streaming down the Joker’s face at the prospect that a mass-follow, mass-spam, mass-crapola “app” is going down the tubes. Dear MyTwitterButler.com, sorry so sorry, you’re toast. RIP! Below are the salient points from the Twitter PDF that is posted on the site.

Now saying that everyone is doing it is a pretty lame defense. My guess is the Tweet Police are working their way around to The Joker site and all of the JokerNetwork affiliates… as we speak. And it will sadden none of us here as the Tweet-Crap-Apps begin to go dark. One such app, August’s Award Winner TweetFlash would be our pick for next to go.

From the actual PDF provided by the MyTwitterButler folks here is the language that is most exciting to us:

Oh boy. The Auto-Bots are on notice and we couldn’t be happier.

Good night sweet Butler how we never missed ye!

@jmacofearth
permalink: http://www.twitterjoker.com/twitter-takedown

Additional Links:

• From MyTwitterButler.com: I’m Being Sued (actually you’re not, you’re being TOLD)
• The MyTwitterButler.com: Cease & Desist Letter (PDF)
• From Ploked: Twitter Application Site Receives Cease & Desist From Twitter

FlashTweet the Best of the Worst \ AUG 09’s That’s #$%!@in Funny WINNER

What could be better than Twitter on Remote Control? From FlashTweet’s website:

“FlashTweet is a mass follow tool that simplifies the process of adding your twitter friends. You can add multiple Twitter accounts to your profile, discover who you are following that is following you back, mass follow users based on search terms, unfollow multiple friends at once, schedule tweets in advance to run throughout the week, insert RSS feeds that will automatically tweet the title and link of your blog or another site.”

I’m sure a mass follow tool is what many scammers and pornsters are looking for to help the flood the Twittersphere with more mindless crap. Oh boy.

To all of you Auto-DMers, Auto-Followers, Auto-Tweeters… GET REAL.

Here’s the beauty and the madness of the ignoble FlashTweet. Enjoy the ensuing comments The Joker certainly salutes their ignorance:

If you too want to add hundreds of followers overnight, this might be the tool for you.

You’ll see. After you DO Twitter for a bit, you’ll either find the value in the conversation or you won’t. But which ever way you go, please don’t AUTOMATE anything.

Congratulations to FlashTweet. The worst of the best for August 2009. You are the That’s #$%!@in Funny LOSER WINNER. (If you go, please tell them we revile them. It’s nothing personal boys, we merely despise what you’ve created.)

@jmacofearth
permalink: http://www.twitterjoker.com/flashtweet

Update: So MyTwitterButler has been sent the Cease & Desist letter from the Tweet Police. Here’s the passage that catches our eye and MIGHT spell problems for the kids at FlashTweet:

Countermandates to the Auto-Bot Twitter Rising:

• Getting Real with Twitter
• The Twitter Way
• Uber.la’s 1-2-3 Guide To Twitter: GETTING REAL with TWITTER
• Bored Tweetless: When Twitter Is Not About Conversations
• Dear Twitter Sniper: Shooting Sparks, Blanks, Hollow Points, Warm Fuzzies, Nurf Darts
• Guy Kawasaki Phone Home Your Integrity Is Calling < Ghost Tweeting Anyone?

Tweetlater.com | June 09′s That’s #$%!@in Funny WINNER

I was browsing Mr. 50k’s site and I saw a wonderful example of why Twitter is Dying from the slow choke hold of stuff like this.

Let’s see if we can spot the things that are wrong, just in this “above the fold” screen grab of TWEETLATER – productivity tools for busy tweeple. (If you’re that darn busy, do something else. I’m too busy to follow your Auto/Reused/Scheduled info any way. Tweet with me not AT ME.

1. Schedule tweets (No! Don’t schedule tweets! either tweet when you are on or DON’T TWEET. It’s not email folks!)

2. Bulk upload tweets (I don’t know where I’d bulk upload them from, but I bet Tweetlater can help me with that too._

3. Save and Reuse drafts (Uh, copy and paste don’t work on your machine or what? RT key stuck or something?)

4. Send Welcome DMs to New Followers – AUTOMATE (This is the ULTIMATE fail. Auto-DMing, or being an auto-bot is actually the quickest way to cheapen your twitter value.  “Hi John, thanks for following me, I’m sure we have lots to tweet about, click here to buy my new eBook.”)

5. Follow those who follow you – AUTOMATE (Why? I’ll tell you why. Just to build followers. That’s stupid.)

No matter what Mr. 50k says, if you’re just going for the numbers, then you’re turning your tweetstream into a numbers game. At that point it is not a conversation it’s a marketing tool.

If Twitter is a marketing channel for you, that’s okay if you’re DELL and I choose to follow your Dell Outlet tweetstream. But Twitter-as-RSS “because it’s easier to explain than RSS” is a bad answer. If there is no “conversation” going on, there is no Twitter. Twitter is a two-way conversation. Folks using it in the old school “broadcast media” way… Well you may jack your follower list up, but you’re jacking the process at the same time.

You’ll see. After you DO Twitter for a bit, you’ll either find the value in the conversation or you won’t. But which ever way you go, please don’t AUTOMATE anything. I’m trying to build a tool that will AUTOMATE UNFOLLOWING of people using Tweetlater or other AUTO-BOT tools.

For June 2009 the That’s #$%!@in Funny WINNER is TWEETLATER.COM.

@jmacofearth
permalink: http://www.twitterjoker.com/tweetlater

Honorable mention to Mr. 50k who is now passed 100k. He is bulldozing his way into Twitter-infamy. The wrong kind in my opinion. But a Twitter Luminary nonetheless.

So Rob, if you’re reading this, can you answer another question for me? “How do you manage your 97k friends?”

Do you cull the PORN Tweeters, the MLM marketers, the CASH4TWEETS scammers out of your follower stream? Do you have any criteria by which you WON’T follow someone? Oh, wait… You just AUTO-FOLLOWED them. [I've got to get this AUTO-UNFOLLOWER App going.]

Dear Biz and Co.” ARGGGH! I HATE TWITTER! “You are unable to follow more people at this time…”

Minding my own business, going about the business of being an honest tweeter and this is what I get?

So now what do I do? Bookmark a Twitter developer so I can come back and follow them later?

Can’t you come up with an algorithm that IDs scammers and lets the rest of us do our tweetin in peace?

“Twitter you fail in so many ways, user-experience is one more whale of a fail!” — the twitterjoker

@jmacofearth
permalink: http://bit.ly/failure-to-follow

• 

• joker network

  • BrainyFkr (twitter)
  • Happy Jebus (the blog)
  • HappyJebus (twitter)
  • Hot Twitter Tips (twitter)
  • LittleSteveJobs (twitter)
  • Mr. Twittaz (twitter)
  • Tweeting Sage
  • Twiitter Woods (twitter)
  • Twitter Ghost (twitter)
  • Twitter Joker (twitter)
  • TwitterEXP
  • TwitterExpress

• supporters

  • Uber.la (Social Marketing)

• the friends of the joker

  • Mr. Dave Hill (comedian-poet)

• Recent Posts

  • Twiiter Woods (Parody Account)
  • New TwitterJoker Badges (We’re Baaaaack!)
  • “Social Media for Business is Crap” (That’s #$%!@in Funny)
  • CES Day One: Apple BUYS Twitter and Shows their Tablet Computer, the iSlate
  • Apple iSlate Released Before CES: Rumors Abound, Non-Apple Execs Faint

• Categories

  • That's #$%!@in Funny
  • Twitter Joker ANNOUNCES
  • TwitterJoker AWARDS
  • TwitterJoker News
• 

disabled